Monday, May 31, 2010

where has all the time gone now, i'm left alone somehow -- one

I remember those simple things. I remember til I cry but the one thing I wish I'd forget, is goodbye.

Ever since he left, everything seems dark and grey. I don’t have the energy to do anything anymore, some days I don’t even eat, it’s unhealthy. My best friend has tried to get me to go somewhere, anywhere to leave the house, but there is nothing that will make me feel better, not if he’s not here.

It was a mutual decision. He had to go to Pittsburgh, play hockey, and I had to stay here. I have a life here, I couldn’t leave, not just to be with him. What would I do in Pittsburgh?

We knew by the end of the summer that nothing would come of us, because of his career. I tried not to, but I fell in love with him, and I didn’t tell him.

We agreed to not keep contact either, just for the sole fact of how difficult it will be not seeing each other. Neither of us were the long distance type. We couldn’t hold a relationship like that if we tried. Neither of us even knew the meaning of commitment. There was just no way.

2 Months ago

I heard the door open and I walked around the corner, seeing his face. He was leaving today, and this was the goodbye. The goodbye I dreaded.

“Hey” I mumbled crossing my arms over my chest.


“When does your plane leave?” I asked, trying to make some sort of conversation.

“In an hour” he replied.

I just slightly nodded and looked down at the floor. I heard his footsteps come closer and he was now standing only a few inches away. I took in his scent and closed my eyes, trying to keep my tears from falling.

“I’m sorry” he said.

“Don’t be sorry” I said looking up at him, “I don’t regret a single moment I spent with you”

“I know”

He wrapped his arms around me and I buried my face in his neck, “this is crazy, I don’t want you to go” I mumbled.

“And I don’t want to go” he replied pulling back, “but I have to”

He just looked at me and put his hand on my cheek and kissed my forehead. As I watched him head toward the door, I wanted to say it. I wanted to tell him how I felt.

“Max, I…” but my voice trailed off as he kept his eyes on me.

He just half smiled and spoke.

“I’m gonna miss you Julie May”

I watched him open the door and shut it behind him without a word. My heart felt like it was going to shatter and the tears poured out of me like a waterfall. I slid down the wall and sat on the floor, letting the tears flow. I heard the door open again and I jumped up in hopes it was him, but I only saw Ally, and my heart broke again.

“Jules…” she said as I fell back onto the floor.

I couldn’t say a word, I just found myself trying to breathe as the sobs came out of me. She sat down at my level and wrapped her arms around me. I heard her saying something about how it would be alright.

No it won’t be alright, not without him.