Wednesday, June 16, 2010

half of my heart's got you, half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you, half of my heart won't do ; six

I was made to believe I'd never love somebody else, made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself.

Now I can’t stop thinking about her. I didn’t want to leave her hurting again. When I left, it was definitely one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. When the season started, it was really difficult, I wasn’t myself. When I met Annie, everything seemed like it was back to the way it was, the hole in my heart was filled again. Little did I realize, the only one who can permanently fill it is Julie.

Everything about her was different. She wasn’t carefree, she seemed tense, worried, tired. She wasn’t smiling, her eyes were dark, no shine to them, she was almost…empty.

“You okay?” I turned my head to see Flower, he seemed genuinely concerned.

“Fine” I said shaking my head.

“You’re not you” Billy chimed in.

“Ran into the ex” I replied taking my seat on the plane.


I just nodded.

“It’s been months, you can’t let it go? What about Annie?”

“I can’t just let it go guys”


“Because, I fell--” I was interrupted by my cell phone, and a picture of Annie flashing. She always seemed to interrupt.

“Hey” I answered, “didn’t we just say bye?”

“Who was she?” she asked.


“The Julie girl” she replied, “Who is she?”

“I told you, a friend from back home”

“Just a friend?”

I just sighed, she would figure out the truth anyways, “my ex girlfriend, we ended it when I left for Pittsburgh, she didn’t want to come with me”

“Why didn’t you tell me about her?”

“You never asked, plus, it’s not that big a deal now, is it?”

“You’re hiding something” she said, “I can hear it in your voice”

“Can we not do this now?” I replied, “can I call you when I get home?”



I hung up and the guys just looked at me, “What?!”

They all went back to their business and I was left alone on the ride back to Pittsburgh.

The girl had this effect on me. Like I said, no other girls compared to her, and I don’t think anyone ever will. She broke down every barrier I kept up because of all the women that let me down in the past. She was like my saviour, and the sad part is, I never told her any of this, because I was leaving.

I made sure that what we had couldn’t be serious, because I was leaving. I never thought I would break my own rules, and fall in love with her.

4 months ago

We’ve known each other for a couple weeks, and I already considered her one of my best friends. To be honest, I felt a lot more for her, but I was convinced I couldn’t say anything, everything would just get messy.

It was the first time we were actually doing something together, alone, without the guys. We were just staying in. It was a rainy dreary night, she just wanted to watch a movie, I was actually okay with that.

“What movie?” I asked looking through her collection of dvd’s.

“Um…I don’t know” she said looking over my shoulder at the dvd’s, “Maybe…When Harry Met Sally? I absolutely adore it, and it’s not as much of a chick flick as you think”

I just laughed, “You don’t have to convince me, I’ll watch whatever you want”

She just smiled, “Okay”

She laid her head on my lap and flipped on the movie. I was barely paying attention to it, I’d look down at her every few minutes.

“Do you think it’s true?” she asked.

“What?” I replied.

“That guys and girls can’t be friends”

I thought for a minute, “I don’t know…”

“Well, we’re friends…right?” she asked sitting up.

“I suppose we are” I shrugged. I wanted to tell her how I felt, I really did.

“What’s wrong?” she asked narrowing her eyes, “Something’s wrong”

I didn’t say anything, I just kept my eyes on her. I heard something happen on the tv and I turned my head for a slight second, but I felt her hand turn my face back to her, “Tell me…are we friends?” she whispered.

I went to say something but my feelings got the best of me and I kissed her. She didn’t push me away, in fact she pulled me closer and I didn’t want to stop.

“Do friends kiss friends like that?” I asked.

She just shook her head, “no, but I like it”

She immediately grabbed my face and kissed me again and right then I wanted her, badly.

“Julie” I said stopping her.

“What?” she said breathlessly.

“If we do this…it won‘t last”


“I’m going back to Pittsburgh for the season”

Her eyes scanned my face, “Oh…”

“I’m sorry”

“It’s okay” she said shaking her head.


“Can I have you now? You’re making me insane” she smirked.

Present day


I shook my head and saw the plane had landed, I looked over at Flower and half smiled.

“You going to be okay?”

“She’s gone now” I said, “I won’t be seeing her again…not for a long time”

Monday, June 14, 2010

i've gotta tell you what state i'm in ; five

I love that I have 11 followers on this story, thanks so much ! Comments would be awesome though, i am getting a few, but I like seeing what you guys think : ) So comment on this one, it's probably my favorite so far : )

The truth is, I miss you. And I'm tired, I should not have let you go.

Arriving in Montreal was bittersweet, because I knew he was here. It was almost as if I could feel him near me. This is the closest I’ve been to him since he left.

We arrived at the hotel and immediately got ready to head to the Bell Centre. This was the first time I was on the Metro since the summer. On our first date, Max had taken me to Old Montreal. We had dinner and we did some sightseeing, it was absolutely breathtaking, and being there with him made even more incredible. He was always fascinated with Old Montreal, the buildings, the streets, everything about it, you could see it in his eyes when he talked about it. The light in his eyes was almost as bright as it is when he talked about hockey.

We took our seats, which were actually half decent, and watched the arena fill up, bit by bit. Another sold out crowd, not surprising. I watched warm -ups, and of course we ended up on the Penguins side of the ice. Then I saw him.

“Hey Jules…see him?”

I just nodded as my eyes fixated on him. No helmet, laughing, smiling, oblivious to anything going on outside of the rink. He was obnoxiously chewing on a piece of gum as he made his way around the net. That was him alright.

He was happy, he was really happy.

The game was really good. I really didn’t know who to cheer for, but I was definitely into it. I had never had the chance to see Max play because we met during the summer, maybe this sport isn’t all that bad.

The Canadiens ended up winning 5-4, in a really close match. Ally had decided to head back to the hotel, I told her I would meet her back there later. I needed to clear my head, I need to get over this.

I walked around the arena as spectators filed out bit by bit and the building got emptier. I watched as janitors started to make there away around the halls and seats, cleaning up after everyone.

As I scanned the walls I saw picture after picture of current players and players long gone, players part of a rich history. This place was phenomenal, and everything about it was beautiful, even if it was a tacky blue and red.

I found myself wandering, I didn’t even know what part of the building I was in, I probably shouldn’t even still be in here. I heard some loud chatter and realized I must have ended up in the players end. I saw a bus out the window and saw numerous Penguins players I recognized. I peeked around the corner and didn’t see him, I let out a sigh of relief and tried to bolt in the other direction when I ran into what felt like a brick wall to weak old me.

“Sorry” I said shaking my head.

“It’s okay” he replied, in a thick French accent. I know that voice, I know it as if it was my own. I looked up and saw the eyes of one Max Talbot.


“Do I know you?”

He doesn’t even recognize me.

“Julie” I simply said.

He took another hard look over my face and his expression softened and a smile spread across his face, “Wow…you look--”

“I know” I nodded.

“What are you doing here?”

“Ally…she made me come, because you were playing…she said I needed closure…”

He swallowed a lump in his throat and scratched the back of his head, “Oh…”

“Max…what we had…I have to know, did it mean anything to you?”

He let out a sigh and finally made eye contact with me, “It meant a lot to me” he said, “I adored you Julie. You were the first girl who didn’t see the hockey player, but saw Max, laughed at my corny jokes, brightened up my day just by calling me, you were literally like my best friend, with benefits…but dare I say it, the night before I left I should have told you something…”

“Okay…” my heart was already ready to burst, the tears were a second from falling.

“Julie, I fell--”


I turned around to see a tall lady, taller than me, she looked to be about 21, give or take a few years, long brown hair, and dark piercing eyes. She was beautiful.

“Annie” he said with a shy smile, “Annie, this is Julie, a good friend from back home”

Just a friend, a good friend, of course.

“Nice to meet you” she snapped.

I subtly stepped back as she stepped beside him. She whispered something in his ear and he just laughed, my heart sunk and I felt like running.

I just cleared my throat to get their attention, “I should go”

“Nice meeting you” she smiled, fake obviously, “I’ll meet you at the airport” she said turning her attention to Max. She just nodded and turned on her heel. I looked back at Max, but avoided eye contact.


“She is, once you get to know her”

“I need to go Max”

I stepped around him and felt his hand clasp onto my wrist and pull me back in front of him, “You have to know, that none of them have measured up to you, not even close”

“She’s beautiful Max, I’m not that beautiful. I chopped off my hair, dyed it, cheap black, barely any makeup, no designer clothes, converse, no heels, no money”

“Even with short, black, choppy hair, you’re still beautiful to me Jules. But your eyes…”

“What about them?” I was about to cry at this point.

“They aren’t as bright as they used to be…”

“That’s because you’ve been gone” I stated.

His hand gently let go of my wrist and he just stared at me, “I’m sorry”

“So am I” I replied, “Just go play your damn hockey, have your perfect girlfriend, and have a happy life Max. I’m sure I’ll manage without you” and with that I bolted down the hall, wiping the tears from my eyes in the process.

I found the nearest bar, probably the cheapest one in the city too, and I drank. I didn’t care what, I didn’t care how much, I just drank. Maybe the more I drank, the less it would hurt, and the more I’d forget about him, if only for a little while.

Friday, June 11, 2010

once upon a time i was falling in love, now i'm only falling apart ; four

I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ever

“Julie?” was the greeting I received as she opened the door.


“You look…different” she said cocking her head to the side.

“Haircut” I shrugged, “Something different”

“You’re still beautiful” she smiled leaning in for a hug.

“Thanks” I replied. I looked over her shoulder and saw him, or so I thought.

“Julie!” he was a spitting image of Max, or, what Max will look like.

“Hello” I said giving him a hug, “How are you?”

“Wonderful” he smiled, “we missed you since Max left”

I felt my stomach turn and I just walked into the living room. I nodded and sat down on their couch, looking around the room. I saw pictures of him, from his junior days, to last summer, there was even a picture of us.

“You miss him?” I looked over and swallowed a lump in my throat. Please don’t make me go there.

“I do” I nodded, “a lot”

“Why didn’t you go with him?”

“He never asked me to” I replied, “Plus, what would I do in Pittsburgh? My life is here…”

“Sometimes you need to learn to make a life somewhere else” she replied, “He so wanted you to go with him”


I heard her phone ring and she put up her finger, “one moment” she said picking up the phone.


My heart stopped at that very moment, he was there…he was on the other line. I watched as she kept speaking, and I heard her say my name. I held back my tears and cleared my throat.

I didn’t understand a word she was saying, but as she finished her conversation she held out the phone to me.

“He wants to talk to you”

I sat there frozen.


I shook my head and reached out for the phone, “okay…”

I slowly put the phone up to my ear, “Hello?”


The sound of his voice was a relief, and it brought tears to my eyes.

“How are you?” I asked.

“I’m good…I miss you”

“I miss you too” my voice wanted to break, but I did all I could to hold myself together.

“Julie, I--”

“Max, I need to go, I can’t do this” I hung it up and felt myself about to break down. I looked across the room and locked eyes with her. You could tell she was heartbroken. His father just looked down to the ground and my eyes started to water.

“I should go” I said standing up and setting the phone on the coffee table, “It was really nice seeing you again”

I bolted out the door and as the cool Fall air hit my face I stopped and took a breath. What was he doing to me? How could I let him do this to me every time?

I made my way back home, wiping my tears away in the process. I walked into the apartment and Ally’s eyes widened.


I just nodded, “I told you”


I just shut the door of my bedroom. It hurts all over again, it’s like he left again. Why is his non-presence so devastating to me. Why does it hurt so much when he’s gone?

“Julie?” I heard her knock on my door, “let me in”

I unlocked the door and she just stared at me as I collapsed on the bed.


“I looked at the Penguins schedule” she said, “I think it’s time we take a trip”

“I said, I’m not going to Pittsburgh” I sighed.

“We’re not going to Pittsburgh, they’re in Montreal tomorrow night”

“Wha--what?” I said shaking my head in disbelief, “but…what?”

“What’s the big deal?”

“I talked to him today” I said, “He called when I was at his parents house…he wanted to talk to me”


“I don’t know if I can face him” I replied.

“Jules, you’re going to this game. You don’t have to go and see him, just watch the game, you can see him from a distance. You need some type of closure, and I think just seeing him, happy, might help you to be happy again”

“Is it bad that I would rather see him as miserable as I am?”

“It sucks, but it’s normal” she shrugged.

“Fine, I guess we’re taking a mini road trip to Montreal” I said.

She just smiled, “You better pack. We’re leaving in the morning”

I know it’s only been two months since I saw him, or even spoken to him, but it feels like it’s been a year, and it’s going to be really surreal to see him in person, on the ice. I don’t know how I will react, I still don’t know what to think about the whole thing.

I just know, seeing him is going to make me miss him even more.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

the truth is, every night is lonely without you ; three

It's been forever, but lately it's been hard, like when we took your parent's car, and drove forever in the dark, I'd give it all away if I could I see you once again and have a summer love, growing close and never go

I woke up and trudged into the kitchen. Ally was making herself breakfast and a pot of coffee.

“I’ll have some” I spoke up sitting at the table.

“Okay, did you--HOLY SHIT!”

“What!?” I exclaimed looking around.

“What did you do?” she said quieting her voice, “your hair”

“Oh…yah…I needed a change” I shrugged taking the piece of toast from her hand.

“So you just…cut it!?”

I just nodded, “Yes, and I’m thinking about dying it too…”

“Julie, what’s going on?”

“There’s too much that reminds me of him” I sighed, “I need to get rid of it all, even if it means the hair that I know he loved…”

She just stared at me dumbfounded, “if you’re sure”

“I’m sure” I nodded.

She went back over to the stove when I heard my phone going off. I looked at the number and smiled just a bit, his parents number.

“Bonjour” I chuckled, “Mrs. Talbot, how are you?”

“Wonderful” she replied, “We miss seeing you around”

“Well…I’ve been…busy”

“Why don’t you come for a visit?” she asked.

“I don’t know…”

“Just a quick one” she replied, “it would be nice to see you again”

I sighed, “okay, maybe I’ll be around sometime today”

“We can’t wait to see you” she said.


I hung up the phone and set it on the table. I went to my bedroom and fished through my drawers, and found a box, sat up on my bed and opened it. I found pictures of us, stuff he gave me, we weren’t even together that long and I had a box full of stuff.

I took the box and dumped it out into my trash can. This was it, it had to be done today. It was all going to be done today.

I changed into a pair of dark ripped jeans and a black hoodie. I slipped on my black flats and made my way over to his parents place. It wasn’t a far walk.

I found myself looking at my reflection in the window of a hair salon, ironic eh? Without even thinking twice I walked in and did the unthinkable, I dyed it. I looked in the mirror at the final product. It was now Jet Black and I must say, I actually liked it.

On my way to their place, my feet automatically took me to the park, the place Max and I first met. It was the middle of June, he was with a couple of his teammates, who I didn’t know at the time. They were throwing the football around, and if it wasn’t for that football, I never would have met him.

4 months ago

I was sitting underneath a tree, listening to music, and reading Pride & Prejudice. I felt something whack me in the head and I dropped my book. I looked up and pulled my earphone out of my ear and my heart skipped a beat.

“Je suis vraiment désolé”

“I don’t speak a lot of French” I said shaking my head, “I’m not from here”

“Oh, sorry” he said, “are you okay?”

“I’m fine” I replied, “whoever threw that has bad aim”

He chuckled, “I agree”

I grabbed the ball and stood up, looking over at the couple of guys, “so those are your friends?”

He just nodded, “yah”

I wrapped my hand around the ball and tossed it in their direction, perfect spiral. I just smirked as he looked in that direction than back at me about five times, “where did you--you’re--what?”

“My dad taught me, he played and coached my brother’s team” I replied, “I couldn’t help but learn”

He just smirked, “Well you have quite an arm”

“Thank you….”

“Max” he said putting his hand out, “and you are…?”

“Julie” I replied, “Julie May”

“You have a number Julie May?” he asked flashing his million dollar smile.

“I do” I said pulling a pen from my bag, “can I see your hand?”

He put his hand out and I wrote my number on the palm of his hand. I just looked up at him and bit my lip, “Your friends are waiting”

He looked over his shoulder and then back at me, “I’ll call you”

“I look forward to it”

I watched him walk back to his friends as my head spun in a million directions. This is a first for me. Of all the guys I’ve been with it’s been through friends, work or school, but never random meeting like that, with no connection to him whatsoever. Honestly, I kind of like it.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

not a day goes by i don't wish i had you ; two

WOW, five followers already? That's insane. Thanks guys ! I hope you like this one : )

Now I can't laugh, can't cry. And I can't run, can't hide. You get used to the pain, numb to the sting, til you can't feel anything

I scanned the room of my full apartment. Ally had somehow convinced me to throw a party, because I wouldn’t leave to go to one. Not even the music, the laughter and the voices that filled the room filled the hole in my heart.

“Jules” I heard Ally say, “This is Max, he wanted to meet you”

Even hearing that name was enough to put me to tears.


“Lapierre” she said, “he plays for Montreal”


“Can I talk to you for a second please?” she asked pulling me by the arm to the kitchen.

“What?” I sighed.

“Julie, it’s been two months, he’s gone okay? You need to get over it”

“I can’t” I snapped.

“Why not?”

“Because I’m in love with him!”

Everyone in the room turned around to look at me and all I did was glare at them. They turned their attention back to what they were doing and Ally just looked at me.

“I’m sorry” she said.

“Can you just get everyone to leave please?” I asked, “I just…can’t do this right now Ally”

“I’ll do my best” she replied.

As people filed out one by one, I found myself locking myself in my bedroom. I looked in the mirror and pulled out my elastic, letting my hair flow down past my shoulders. I ran my fingers through it and remembered how it felt when he used to run his fingers through it.

2 months ago

I laid my head on his lap and stared up at the ceiling. I felt his fingers brush a piece of hair away from my face and I turned my eyes towards his.

“You’re really leaving tomorrow aren’t you?”

He just sighed, “I am”

“What am I supposed to do when you’re gone?”

“Jules, you knew how this would end”

“I know, but --” he cut me off by leaning down and placing his lips on mine. My hands slowly moved up to his face and I kissed him back. I don’t think he even knows what he does to me when he does that.

“You’re going to leave after doing that?” I asked breathlessly.

“No” he said scooping me up in his arms, “after I do this”

He took me to his room and laid me down on the bed.

“But Max, I--”

“Shh” he said touching my cheek, “no more talking”

I didn’t argue, I just nodded my head in agreement.

My skin burned under his touch and my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. He pulled my top over my head and threw it to the side, and followed by doing the same with his. He was absolute perfection.

That night was absolute perfection, and I wish it hadn’t have ended.


I stared at myself in the mirror. I needed to get over him, as much as it hurt.

I looked through my drawers, finding anything I could to get him out of my head. Anything he gave me, had to go, it was time to forget about him. I stumbled onto a pair of scissors and I took another quick look in the mirror.

“Julie?” I heard a knock on my door, “you okay in there?”

“Fine” I said smirking at myself in the mirror.

He loved my long hair, and I needed to get rid of everything that reminded me of him, even if it meant cutting my hair. I took the scissors and grabbed a chunk of my hair and snipped. I watched the hair fall to the floor and I felt better already. I cut the rest off and swept my bangs to the side. Perfect.

It’s been two months, I think it’s time I end this.