Wednesday, November 10, 2010

what now? ; ten

I woke up the next morning and there he was, by my side, exactly where he should be. I gently placed my hand on his cheek and his face scrunched up and I just chuckled. His eyes slowly opened and a smile spread across his face.



“I’m surprised you stayed” I said.

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“This makes things really complicated Max…”

“I know”

“You know, I had so much to tell you…”

“You still can” he said.

I stood up, wrapped a sheet around me and looked over at him. It was hard to even get remotely mad at him with that look on his face.

“I love you…Max Talbot, I did from the moment we met, and I never stopped…”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked, putting his jeans back on before standing up.

“Because…I didn’t want to be the one to try and keep you from what you really want”

“Then why didn’t you come?”

“You didn’t even ask me!”

“Would you have if I did?”

“I might have thought about it more if you did” I replied, “It would have been hard to leave my entire life behind, but if I knew you were a sure thing…maybe I would have…”

He placed his hand on my cheek and looked right at me, “Do you know how different things could be right now?”

“You mean I wouldn’t have to fight for you?”

“Is that why you came here?”

“Of course it is you idiot. I was tired of moping, you were the only thing that could fix me, and she was in the way, but to be honest, I didn’t really care. I would do anything to have you be mine again”

A small smirk formed on his lips and I couldn’t help but smile, “Well here’s a fact. I love you too, I never stopped, and I will gladly be yours again, if you’ll let me”

“You need to talk to her first”

“Okay, if that’s what it will take”

I just placed a small kiss on his lips and wrapped my arms around his neck, “Promise me you won’t leave again” I whispered.

“I promise”


“You’re…leaving me?” her eyes started to well up with tears, and my heart started breaking.

“I’m…sorry Annie…I love her”

“I thought you loved me too”

“I do, it’s just--”

“I thought…you were the one Max…”

“Annie…you know we were doomed from the start”

“I love you”

“I’m sorry Annie…”

“I’m not letting you go that easily Max”

“You’ll find someone Annie, someone that loves you…like I couldn’t” I said as I moved towards the door.

“I’m pregnant”

I turned around quickly and stared at her for a moment, “Are you joking? Don’t play with me Annie”

“I’m not lying” she smiled, “We’re gonna have a baby”

In that moment, everything seemed to be happening in slow motion, there was no way I could leave her now.

Friday, October 1, 2010

it's so easy to come back into you ; nine

My head was pounding as I sat up looked around. Max was gone, that doesn’t surprise me. I sighed and fished through my bag for a bottle of Tylenol. Where this headache came from is beyond me.

I grabbed the bottle of water next to the bed and took the Tylenol. As I laid back in the bed, silently, I could hear water running and then stop. He was still here.

I heard the bathroom door open and he appeared from around the corner in his jeans from last night. I couldn’t help but stare as he ran his fingers through his hair and throw his shirt over his head.

“Hey, you’re up” he said turning around.

“Yah, but I feel like shit”

“You don’t look so good either, no offence”

“None taken” I replied laying back on the bed.

My stomach made a funny noise and I quickly sat up, running towards the bathroom and slamming the door shut. I just barely made it. I’ve been here less than 24 hours and I’m sick. Just what I needed.

When I finally stopped, I sat back against the bathtub to catch my breath. My head killed and my stomach felt like it was going to burst.

“You okay?” I heard from outside the door.

“Not really” I whined.

I eventually got the energy to stand up and brush my teeth. I looked in the mirror and my face was completely flushed. It seems the flu bug got to me.

I trudged out, barely looking at Max as I went towards the bed. He stuck his hand out and put it on my forehead.

“You’re really burning up” he said.


He grabbed the garbage can from the corner of the room and put it beside me. As I fell down on the bed.

“I’m going to the pharmacy, I’ll grab you some gravol, and ginger ale, see if that helps any”

“Max, you don’t have to do that”

“I want to” he replied, “I’ll be back in a flash”

I pulled the covers over me as I heard him shut the door. I haven’t had the flu since I was sixteen. Man, those were the days.

I felt a hand on my back and I woke up and saw Max, “Take this” he said handing me a Gravol, “That should help”. I swallowed it down and laid back on the bed. He just smiled and gently kissed my forehead. He was absolutely perfect.

It wasn’t long before I was out cold again.

My phone woke me up this time, Ally was trying to get a hold of me.

“Hello?” I answered hoarsely.

“You okay?”

“No, I’m sick, really sick, like--” before I could finish the bucket was in my face and then so we’re my insides, at least that’s what it felt like.

“You okay?” I heard Max come from the washroom.

“Fine” I replied.

“He’s there?” she asked.

“He..uh…stayed the night”


“He came to see me because YOU told him where I was staying”

She was silent for a moment, “He was asking about you, he didn’t have your number, and so I told him you were in Pittsburgh…I couldn’t lie, I’m sorry”

I just laid back on the bed, “It’s fine, but I’m going to try and sleep some more”

“Feel better” she said.

“Love you”

I hung up and laid back down, head still throbbing.

“What was that about?”

“It was Ally, just checking in” I replied.

“Did you want to take a shower, it might help you feel better”

“I guess you’re right”

I slowly stood up and grabbed some clean clothes and shut the bathroom door behind me. No guy has ever been willing to take care of me when I’m sick. Mostly because I look horrendous and I get really cranky.

The warm water felt so good over my skin, I could stand in here for hours. I think the worst of it is over, I hope the worst of it is over.

I dried myself off and put on a pair of black stretchy yoga pants, a tank top and a hoodie. My stomach was still queezy, but nothing more was coming out of there.

“Feel better?” he asked.

“Much” I nodded as I pulled the covers over me.

He grabbed the bucket from beside my bed and went into the bathroom. I heard the water running on and off and it sounded like he was talking to himself. Why was he doing this?

He came out and set it back beside my bed, “Why are you being so nice to me? You didn’t have to stay”

“I wanted to”

“Don’t you have hockey?”

“Day off actually, practice tomorrow, and the next day, and game that night”

“What about Annie?”

“She called…”


“I told her I crashed at one of the guys’ places”

“I don’t want to get you sick too” I frowned.

“If I do, it’s my own fault” he smirked.

I slept a bit more, but watched tv the rest of the evening. Max stayed the whole time, why he did is beyond my comprehension. Yet, I liked it. Just him being here felt right. I missed his company.

“Thank you, again Max for staying, that was really sweet”

He just shrugged it off, “I missed you, and even seeing you sick is better than not seeing you at all”

“I beg to differ” I replied.

He just laughed, “Well you sound a lot better”

“I feel better too”

“And you look better”

My heart jumped into my throat and I looked down at my hands. I didn’t even know how to respond to a comment like that.

“Well…maybe I should go”


He walked to the door and slipped on his shoes. I followed right behind him to say goodbye.

“Thanks, again”

“You’re welcome”

“You want to get a coffee tomorrow?” I asked, “Talk?”

“I’d like that” he replied.

I just reached up for a hug as he wrapped his arms around me. I wish he didn’t have to go, I wanted him to stay. I held on as long as I could before he pulled away from me. He opened the door, and every part of me wanted to pull him back in.

“Bye Max”

He just looked right at me and my heart started beating faster. In one swift motion he walked back into the room and shut the door.

“What are you doing?”

“Something I should have done in Montreal” he cupped his hand around my neck and kissed me. My heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest. He started to unzip my hoodie, and I put my hand on his chest.


“You want to stay the night?”

He just smirked, “Only if you want me to”

“You know I do”

He kissed me again as my hoodie hit the floor. This felt good, it felt right, I didn’t care where we were, and I didn’t care what would happen in the morning, right now was all that mattered.

“Are you sure?”

He just nodded his head, “I am”

Monday, September 27, 2010

i should not have let you go ; eight

Back home felt good. Except for the fact that he wasn’t here. I wish I could have told him, I needed two more minutes. Everything could be different if I had just told him how I felt.

“You okay?” Ally asked sitting across the room from me.

“I’m fine” I said, “I should have told him…”

“You still can” she replied, “Pick up the phone and do it”

“No, it’s too late now…it was one of those now or never situations. He’s got a girlfriend, and he said it in past tense, he doesn’t love me anymore”

“How do you know if you don’t tell him?”

“If he really does love me, he’ll tell me”

“I think he’s scared”

“Of what?” I asked.


My heart skipped a beat at those words. He wasn’t afraid of me, was he?


“He’s terrified to admit how he feels about you now, so he’s letting you know how he used to feel…if that makes sense. That’s just how I see it”

I just shrugged, “Maybe…”

She tossed the phone at me and I stared at it for a minute, “Call him…get on a plane, do something, please. I’m tired of your moping”

“He has a girlfriend…”

“Forget about her, and fight for him”

I pulled my laptop off of the coffee table and scanned through the next flights to Pittsburgh.

“There’s a flight to Pittsburgh tonight, Red Eye”

“Do it, or forever wish you had”

I shut my laptop and raced into my room and threw a pile of clothes into my bag. I didn’t even care what clothes they were, I was in too much of a rush. I was actually doing this, I was going after him. Nothing would stop me now.

I can’t say that I’ve been to Pittsburgh before, but just as I stepped outside of the airport I was already in love. The lights, the buildings, there was just an air about the place. I grabbed a taxi and got a ride to the nearest hotel, and I was thankful that there was a few rooms left.

I got up to my room and collapsed onto the bed. It felt better than my own bed. Maybe I’ll end up staying here for a while. I called Ally to let her know I had arrived safely, and we ended up chatting for a bit. As I hung up the phone I realized we had been talking for a good hour and it was after 1am. I was quick to change into my PJ’s, get cleaned up and climb into this bed. This bed has been calling my name since I got here.

I climbed in, and I felt like I was floating on a cloud. I pulled the down filled cover over me and I was out cold within minutes.

I heard banging on my door, that obviously woke me up. I slowly took the covers off, feeling the chill of coming out of a warm bed, and trudged to the other side of the room to turn a light on. I looked at the clock, 3am.

“Who is it?” I sighed rubbing my eyes to adjust to the light.

“It’s me” I knew that voice.

“Max, what are you doing here?”

“Just let me in” he said a bit lower, “I’d rather not wake anyone else up”

I just took in a deep breath and let him in. To be honest, he looked terrible.

“How did you know where I was staying? Or that I was even staying in Pittsburgh?” I asked.

“Ally” he simply said.

“She can’t keep anything private” I huffed.

“Why are you here?” he asked, “In Pittsburgh”

“Is a girl not allowed to take a trip?” I replied sarcastically.


“Max, I came here to see you, am I allowed to do that? Or does that interfere with your life?” I snapped.

“I didn’t say I wasn’t happy you’re here, it’s just unexpected” he replied.

I just sighed, “Sorry, I’m a little tired”

“I guess I should have waited until this morning”

“Would have been nice” I smirked, “So why did you come see me now anyways?”

“I wanted to see you” he shrugged, “Is that so bad?”

“No” I said shaking my head, “It’s perfectly fine”

I’m tired
I should not have let you go
So I crawl back into your open arms

“I missed you” I said amidst the silence.

“I missed you too” he replied, getting closer.

All I could do was wrap my arms around his waist. I think he was a little caught off guard but he wrapped his arms around me. It’s been so long since I’ve had any physical contact with him at all. This moment, it felt like he had never left.

“What is it you came to tell me?” he asked pulling away from me.

“Oh…um, to be honest this isn’t a good time”

He raised an eyebrow at me curiously while I fiddled with the ring on my finger, “Why?”

“Can we talk about it tomorrow, or…like later today I guess?”

“If that’s what you want”

“You should get home” I replied, “You look tired”

“I haven’t been sleeping”

I just frowned, “Why?”

“Hockey, the girlfriend, seeing you…”

“Oh…I’m sorry”

I looked around the room and sighed, “Well, I have an extra bed, seeing as there wasn’t a lot of rooms left, I got this one, so if you want to sleep in it, I have no problem with that, I mean--I’m rambling now” I just turned and sat on my bed.

“Actually, I might take you up on that offer”

“Really? But what about…what’s her name?”

“Annie” he replied, “and yah, we’re not on good terms right now” without warning he pulled his shirt over his head, and my heart almost jumped out of my chest.

“Oh” I finally replied, “Well, if you want, you can stay” I quickly pulled the covers over me and turned to face the other direction.

I heard him chuckle and then shut the light off, “Night Jules”

He hasn’t called me Jules since he left.

“Night Max”

Saturday, July 3, 2010

today is gonna be the day ; seven

I know there's alot of talking in this, hope you're okay with that !

Backbeat the word was on the street that the fire in your heart is out

I slowly opened my eyes, they were blurred at first but eventually what I saw formed into a hospital room. Why was I in the hospital?

I looked around the room frantically, maybe something to tell me why I was here, or find someone I knew. I sat up but my head felt like it was going to explode and I fell back.


I turned to look and saw some woman in a white coat looking down at me.

“Who are you and why the hell am I here?”

“You went to a bar on Friday night, your friend called you, a bit worried and you eventually told her where you were, and something happened after that, I can’t say what”

“So what? Just too much to drink?”

“No…someone actually drugged you” she said slowly, as if it would be any easier to take, “and you may have taken a few fists to the face”


“I’m sorry sweetie, we pumped your stomach and everything”

“How long have I been out?”

“About 3 days…”

“Holy shit” I whispered to myself.

“I’ll go get Ally” she said leaving the room. Minutes later I saw Ally come through the door, she looked terrified.

“Hey” I said.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“Um…well, I am now, a little terrified that this could have been a lot worse…I’m glad you got a hold of me before someone else did…”

She swallowed a lump in her throat and tears started forming in her eyes, “I can’t believe I made you come here, this is all my fault. How’s your face, it’s pretty bruised”

“It hurts…” I replied sitting up quickly, “Ally, I ran into Max before I went to the bar, him and his girlfriend, and it hurt like hell, he is why I drank, not you”


“This is scary” I replied.

“Maybe going home will help you feel a bit better?”

“I like that idea” I sighed, “make sure you don’t tell my family about this…or anyone for that matter”

“Oh…see…that could be a problem”

There was a knock on the door and I saw one of the doctors, “There’s a Max Talbot here to see you, he refuses to leave until he does…”

I glared at Ally and she just shrugged, “I sent him a very angry text…and told him you were in the hospital”

“Let him in…I guess”

As soon as he came in Ally met him at the door, “You ass, you’re the reason she’s in here”

“Al…it’s okay” I said quietly.

She just glared at him as she left the room, then it was just the two of us. He looked tired, exhausted actually, like he hadn’t slept in days.


“Are you okay?” he asked, “As soon as I heard hospital I was on a plane. Shit…”

“I’ll be okay…” I said sitting upright, “I feel disgusting though, and my face hurts”

“Get into it with someone?” he said sitting beside me.

I just smirked, “I guess so, I don’t remember”

“I’m so sorry…”

“It’s okay, you didn’t know what I would do, I’m unpredictable that way…you know that. I’m more worried about you though…you look exhausted”

“I haven’t been sleeping” he admitted, “ever since I saw you”

“Oh…well I’ve slept for three days” I smirked.

He just laughed, “you’re sense of humour is still intact”

“Max, what do you want?” I sighed.

“To apologize”

“For leaving?”

He just nodded, “I should have told you something…”

“What’s that?” I replied.

“I loved you”

My head shot up and I looked over at him, “You’re joking right?”

“I really did”

I shook my head in disbelief and kept my eyes in the other direction. He did not just say that.

“Why are you telling me this now?”

“Because you need to know” he shrugged.

I just sighed, “Well since we’re being so honest, I should probably tell you something”

“Okay…” he sat there listening intently.

“Well….the thing is, I--”


“Give me two minutes?” I pleaded.

“Sorry dear, tight schedule, we have a couple more tests we need to do”


“Don’t worry” he said, “I’m sure we’ll talk again soon, I need to get back to the Burgh anyways”


“Ally has my number, if you need anything Julie…call me” he said leaning down and gently kissing my forehead.

I just half smiled, “okay, I will”

He left the room and I was left alone with the doctor. She half laughed as she began her tests. I just looked at her funny, “what are you laughing at?”

“I think you’re a little oblivious”

“What are you talking about?”

“He’s crazy about you”

I just laughed, “He said he loved me…as in past tense. We’re just friends now”

“He flew down here from Pittsburgh the moment he heard you were in here, he wouldn’t leave until he saw you, and the way he looked at you…he’s still standing out there”

“He said he was leaving”

“He won’t leave til the tests are done” she chuckled, “It’s so cute”

“He’s got someone else” I huffed.

“Well…that may be so, but he’s still crazy about you. I overheard him talking about you to your friend”

“Well, you’re a nosy one aren’t you?” I smirked.

“Sometimes I just can’t help it” she laughed.

I just sighed, “I don’t know if it’s in the cards for us”

“Well my dear, only time will tell”

As she finished her tests I laid back and closed my eyes. Was it possible that we might be able to work out again? I just don’t think that’s what he wants. He seemed happy with the other girl, I don’t want to mess that up for him. I don’t want to see him unhappy.

Then again, I would do anything to have him again. I would do anything so I can be happy again.

There are many things that I would like to say to you and I don't know how

Maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

half of my heart's got you, half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you, half of my heart won't do ; six

I was made to believe I'd never love somebody else, made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself.

Now I can’t stop thinking about her. I didn’t want to leave her hurting again. When I left, it was definitely one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. When the season started, it was really difficult, I wasn’t myself. When I met Annie, everything seemed like it was back to the way it was, the hole in my heart was filled again. Little did I realize, the only one who can permanently fill it is Julie.

Everything about her was different. She wasn’t carefree, she seemed tense, worried, tired. She wasn’t smiling, her eyes were dark, no shine to them, she was almost…empty.

“You okay?” I turned my head to see Flower, he seemed genuinely concerned.

“Fine” I said shaking my head.

“You’re not you” Billy chimed in.

“Ran into the ex” I replied taking my seat on the plane.


I just nodded.

“It’s been months, you can’t let it go? What about Annie?”

“I can’t just let it go guys”


“Because, I fell--” I was interrupted by my cell phone, and a picture of Annie flashing. She always seemed to interrupt.

“Hey” I answered, “didn’t we just say bye?”

“Who was she?” she asked.


“The Julie girl” she replied, “Who is she?”

“I told you, a friend from back home”

“Just a friend?”

I just sighed, she would figure out the truth anyways, “my ex girlfriend, we ended it when I left for Pittsburgh, she didn’t want to come with me”

“Why didn’t you tell me about her?”

“You never asked, plus, it’s not that big a deal now, is it?”

“You’re hiding something” she said, “I can hear it in your voice”

“Can we not do this now?” I replied, “can I call you when I get home?”



I hung up and the guys just looked at me, “What?!”

They all went back to their business and I was left alone on the ride back to Pittsburgh.

The girl had this effect on me. Like I said, no other girls compared to her, and I don’t think anyone ever will. She broke down every barrier I kept up because of all the women that let me down in the past. She was like my saviour, and the sad part is, I never told her any of this, because I was leaving.

I made sure that what we had couldn’t be serious, because I was leaving. I never thought I would break my own rules, and fall in love with her.

4 months ago

We’ve known each other for a couple weeks, and I already considered her one of my best friends. To be honest, I felt a lot more for her, but I was convinced I couldn’t say anything, everything would just get messy.

It was the first time we were actually doing something together, alone, without the guys. We were just staying in. It was a rainy dreary night, she just wanted to watch a movie, I was actually okay with that.

“What movie?” I asked looking through her collection of dvd’s.

“Um…I don’t know” she said looking over my shoulder at the dvd’s, “Maybe…When Harry Met Sally? I absolutely adore it, and it’s not as much of a chick flick as you think”

I just laughed, “You don’t have to convince me, I’ll watch whatever you want”

She just smiled, “Okay”

She laid her head on my lap and flipped on the movie. I was barely paying attention to it, I’d look down at her every few minutes.

“Do you think it’s true?” she asked.

“What?” I replied.

“That guys and girls can’t be friends”

I thought for a minute, “I don’t know…”

“Well, we’re friends…right?” she asked sitting up.

“I suppose we are” I shrugged. I wanted to tell her how I felt, I really did.

“What’s wrong?” she asked narrowing her eyes, “Something’s wrong”

I didn’t say anything, I just kept my eyes on her. I heard something happen on the tv and I turned my head for a slight second, but I felt her hand turn my face back to her, “Tell me…are we friends?” she whispered.

I went to say something but my feelings got the best of me and I kissed her. She didn’t push me away, in fact she pulled me closer and I didn’t want to stop.

“Do friends kiss friends like that?” I asked.

She just shook her head, “no, but I like it”

She immediately grabbed my face and kissed me again and right then I wanted her, badly.

“Julie” I said stopping her.

“What?” she said breathlessly.

“If we do this…it won‘t last”


“I’m going back to Pittsburgh for the season”

Her eyes scanned my face, “Oh…”

“I’m sorry”

“It’s okay” she said shaking her head.


“Can I have you now? You’re making me insane” she smirked.

Present day


I shook my head and saw the plane had landed, I looked over at Flower and half smiled.

“You going to be okay?”

“She’s gone now” I said, “I won’t be seeing her again…not for a long time”

Monday, June 14, 2010

i've gotta tell you what state i'm in ; five

I love that I have 11 followers on this story, thanks so much ! Comments would be awesome though, i am getting a few, but I like seeing what you guys think : ) So comment on this one, it's probably my favorite so far : )

The truth is, I miss you. And I'm tired, I should not have let you go.

Arriving in Montreal was bittersweet, because I knew he was here. It was almost as if I could feel him near me. This is the closest I’ve been to him since he left.

We arrived at the hotel and immediately got ready to head to the Bell Centre. This was the first time I was on the Metro since the summer. On our first date, Max had taken me to Old Montreal. We had dinner and we did some sightseeing, it was absolutely breathtaking, and being there with him made even more incredible. He was always fascinated with Old Montreal, the buildings, the streets, everything about it, you could see it in his eyes when he talked about it. The light in his eyes was almost as bright as it is when he talked about hockey.

We took our seats, which were actually half decent, and watched the arena fill up, bit by bit. Another sold out crowd, not surprising. I watched warm -ups, and of course we ended up on the Penguins side of the ice. Then I saw him.

“Hey Jules…see him?”

I just nodded as my eyes fixated on him. No helmet, laughing, smiling, oblivious to anything going on outside of the rink. He was obnoxiously chewing on a piece of gum as he made his way around the net. That was him alright.

He was happy, he was really happy.

The game was really good. I really didn’t know who to cheer for, but I was definitely into it. I had never had the chance to see Max play because we met during the summer, maybe this sport isn’t all that bad.

The Canadiens ended up winning 5-4, in a really close match. Ally had decided to head back to the hotel, I told her I would meet her back there later. I needed to clear my head, I need to get over this.

I walked around the arena as spectators filed out bit by bit and the building got emptier. I watched as janitors started to make there away around the halls and seats, cleaning up after everyone.

As I scanned the walls I saw picture after picture of current players and players long gone, players part of a rich history. This place was phenomenal, and everything about it was beautiful, even if it was a tacky blue and red.

I found myself wandering, I didn’t even know what part of the building I was in, I probably shouldn’t even still be in here. I heard some loud chatter and realized I must have ended up in the players end. I saw a bus out the window and saw numerous Penguins players I recognized. I peeked around the corner and didn’t see him, I let out a sigh of relief and tried to bolt in the other direction when I ran into what felt like a brick wall to weak old me.

“Sorry” I said shaking my head.

“It’s okay” he replied, in a thick French accent. I know that voice, I know it as if it was my own. I looked up and saw the eyes of one Max Talbot.


“Do I know you?”

He doesn’t even recognize me.

“Julie” I simply said.

He took another hard look over my face and his expression softened and a smile spread across his face, “Wow…you look--”

“I know” I nodded.

“What are you doing here?”

“Ally…she made me come, because you were playing…she said I needed closure…”

He swallowed a lump in his throat and scratched the back of his head, “Oh…”

“Max…what we had…I have to know, did it mean anything to you?”

He let out a sigh and finally made eye contact with me, “It meant a lot to me” he said, “I adored you Julie. You were the first girl who didn’t see the hockey player, but saw Max, laughed at my corny jokes, brightened up my day just by calling me, you were literally like my best friend, with benefits…but dare I say it, the night before I left I should have told you something…”

“Okay…” my heart was already ready to burst, the tears were a second from falling.

“Julie, I fell--”


I turned around to see a tall lady, taller than me, she looked to be about 21, give or take a few years, long brown hair, and dark piercing eyes. She was beautiful.

“Annie” he said with a shy smile, “Annie, this is Julie, a good friend from back home”

Just a friend, a good friend, of course.

“Nice to meet you” she snapped.

I subtly stepped back as she stepped beside him. She whispered something in his ear and he just laughed, my heart sunk and I felt like running.

I just cleared my throat to get their attention, “I should go”

“Nice meeting you” she smiled, fake obviously, “I’ll meet you at the airport” she said turning her attention to Max. She just nodded and turned on her heel. I looked back at Max, but avoided eye contact.


“She is, once you get to know her”

“I need to go Max”

I stepped around him and felt his hand clasp onto my wrist and pull me back in front of him, “You have to know, that none of them have measured up to you, not even close”

“She’s beautiful Max, I’m not that beautiful. I chopped off my hair, dyed it, cheap black, barely any makeup, no designer clothes, converse, no heels, no money”

“Even with short, black, choppy hair, you’re still beautiful to me Jules. But your eyes…”

“What about them?” I was about to cry at this point.

“They aren’t as bright as they used to be…”

“That’s because you’ve been gone” I stated.

His hand gently let go of my wrist and he just stared at me, “I’m sorry”

“So am I” I replied, “Just go play your damn hockey, have your perfect girlfriend, and have a happy life Max. I’m sure I’ll manage without you” and with that I bolted down the hall, wiping the tears from my eyes in the process.

I found the nearest bar, probably the cheapest one in the city too, and I drank. I didn’t care what, I didn’t care how much, I just drank. Maybe the more I drank, the less it would hurt, and the more I’d forget about him, if only for a little while.

Friday, June 11, 2010

once upon a time i was falling in love, now i'm only falling apart ; four

I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ever

“Julie?” was the greeting I received as she opened the door.


“You look…different” she said cocking her head to the side.

“Haircut” I shrugged, “Something different”

“You’re still beautiful” she smiled leaning in for a hug.

“Thanks” I replied. I looked over her shoulder and saw him, or so I thought.

“Julie!” he was a spitting image of Max, or, what Max will look like.

“Hello” I said giving him a hug, “How are you?”

“Wonderful” he smiled, “we missed you since Max left”

I felt my stomach turn and I just walked into the living room. I nodded and sat down on their couch, looking around the room. I saw pictures of him, from his junior days, to last summer, there was even a picture of us.

“You miss him?” I looked over and swallowed a lump in my throat. Please don’t make me go there.

“I do” I nodded, “a lot”

“Why didn’t you go with him?”

“He never asked me to” I replied, “Plus, what would I do in Pittsburgh? My life is here…”

“Sometimes you need to learn to make a life somewhere else” she replied, “He so wanted you to go with him”


I heard her phone ring and she put up her finger, “one moment” she said picking up the phone.


My heart stopped at that very moment, he was there…he was on the other line. I watched as she kept speaking, and I heard her say my name. I held back my tears and cleared my throat.

I didn’t understand a word she was saying, but as she finished her conversation she held out the phone to me.

“He wants to talk to you”

I sat there frozen.


I shook my head and reached out for the phone, “okay…”

I slowly put the phone up to my ear, “Hello?”


The sound of his voice was a relief, and it brought tears to my eyes.

“How are you?” I asked.

“I’m good…I miss you”

“I miss you too” my voice wanted to break, but I did all I could to hold myself together.

“Julie, I--”

“Max, I need to go, I can’t do this” I hung it up and felt myself about to break down. I looked across the room and locked eyes with her. You could tell she was heartbroken. His father just looked down to the ground and my eyes started to water.

“I should go” I said standing up and setting the phone on the coffee table, “It was really nice seeing you again”

I bolted out the door and as the cool Fall air hit my face I stopped and took a breath. What was he doing to me? How could I let him do this to me every time?

I made my way back home, wiping my tears away in the process. I walked into the apartment and Ally’s eyes widened.


I just nodded, “I told you”


I just shut the door of my bedroom. It hurts all over again, it’s like he left again. Why is his non-presence so devastating to me. Why does it hurt so much when he’s gone?

“Julie?” I heard her knock on my door, “let me in”

I unlocked the door and she just stared at me as I collapsed on the bed.


“I looked at the Penguins schedule” she said, “I think it’s time we take a trip”

“I said, I’m not going to Pittsburgh” I sighed.

“We’re not going to Pittsburgh, they’re in Montreal tomorrow night”

“Wha--what?” I said shaking my head in disbelief, “but…what?”

“What’s the big deal?”

“I talked to him today” I said, “He called when I was at his parents house…he wanted to talk to me”


“I don’t know if I can face him” I replied.

“Jules, you’re going to this game. You don’t have to go and see him, just watch the game, you can see him from a distance. You need some type of closure, and I think just seeing him, happy, might help you to be happy again”

“Is it bad that I would rather see him as miserable as I am?”

“It sucks, but it’s normal” she shrugged.

“Fine, I guess we’re taking a mini road trip to Montreal” I said.

She just smiled, “You better pack. We’re leaving in the morning”

I know it’s only been two months since I saw him, or even spoken to him, but it feels like it’s been a year, and it’s going to be really surreal to see him in person, on the ice. I don’t know how I will react, I still don’t know what to think about the whole thing.

I just know, seeing him is going to make me miss him even more.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

the truth is, every night is lonely without you ; three

It's been forever, but lately it's been hard, like when we took your parent's car, and drove forever in the dark, I'd give it all away if I could I see you once again and have a summer love, growing close and never go

I woke up and trudged into the kitchen. Ally was making herself breakfast and a pot of coffee.

“I’ll have some” I spoke up sitting at the table.

“Okay, did you--HOLY SHIT!”

“What!?” I exclaimed looking around.

“What did you do?” she said quieting her voice, “your hair”

“Oh…yah…I needed a change” I shrugged taking the piece of toast from her hand.

“So you just…cut it!?”

I just nodded, “Yes, and I’m thinking about dying it too…”

“Julie, what’s going on?”

“There’s too much that reminds me of him” I sighed, “I need to get rid of it all, even if it means the hair that I know he loved…”

She just stared at me dumbfounded, “if you’re sure”

“I’m sure” I nodded.

She went back over to the stove when I heard my phone going off. I looked at the number and smiled just a bit, his parents number.

“Bonjour” I chuckled, “Mrs. Talbot, how are you?”

“Wonderful” she replied, “We miss seeing you around”

“Well…I’ve been…busy”

“Why don’t you come for a visit?” she asked.

“I don’t know…”

“Just a quick one” she replied, “it would be nice to see you again”

I sighed, “okay, maybe I’ll be around sometime today”

“We can’t wait to see you” she said.


I hung up the phone and set it on the table. I went to my bedroom and fished through my drawers, and found a box, sat up on my bed and opened it. I found pictures of us, stuff he gave me, we weren’t even together that long and I had a box full of stuff.

I took the box and dumped it out into my trash can. This was it, it had to be done today. It was all going to be done today.

I changed into a pair of dark ripped jeans and a black hoodie. I slipped on my black flats and made my way over to his parents place. It wasn’t a far walk.

I found myself looking at my reflection in the window of a hair salon, ironic eh? Without even thinking twice I walked in and did the unthinkable, I dyed it. I looked in the mirror at the final product. It was now Jet Black and I must say, I actually liked it.

On my way to their place, my feet automatically took me to the park, the place Max and I first met. It was the middle of June, he was with a couple of his teammates, who I didn’t know at the time. They were throwing the football around, and if it wasn’t for that football, I never would have met him.

4 months ago

I was sitting underneath a tree, listening to music, and reading Pride & Prejudice. I felt something whack me in the head and I dropped my book. I looked up and pulled my earphone out of my ear and my heart skipped a beat.

“Je suis vraiment désolé”

“I don’t speak a lot of French” I said shaking my head, “I’m not from here”

“Oh, sorry” he said, “are you okay?”

“I’m fine” I replied, “whoever threw that has bad aim”

He chuckled, “I agree”

I grabbed the ball and stood up, looking over at the couple of guys, “so those are your friends?”

He just nodded, “yah”

I wrapped my hand around the ball and tossed it in their direction, perfect spiral. I just smirked as he looked in that direction than back at me about five times, “where did you--you’re--what?”

“My dad taught me, he played and coached my brother’s team” I replied, “I couldn’t help but learn”

He just smirked, “Well you have quite an arm”

“Thank you….”

“Max” he said putting his hand out, “and you are…?”

“Julie” I replied, “Julie May”

“You have a number Julie May?” he asked flashing his million dollar smile.

“I do” I said pulling a pen from my bag, “can I see your hand?”

He put his hand out and I wrote my number on the palm of his hand. I just looked up at him and bit my lip, “Your friends are waiting”

He looked over his shoulder and then back at me, “I’ll call you”

“I look forward to it”

I watched him walk back to his friends as my head spun in a million directions. This is a first for me. Of all the guys I’ve been with it’s been through friends, work or school, but never random meeting like that, with no connection to him whatsoever. Honestly, I kind of like it.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

not a day goes by i don't wish i had you ; two

WOW, five followers already? That's insane. Thanks guys ! I hope you like this one : )

Now I can't laugh, can't cry. And I can't run, can't hide. You get used to the pain, numb to the sting, til you can't feel anything

I scanned the room of my full apartment. Ally had somehow convinced me to throw a party, because I wouldn’t leave to go to one. Not even the music, the laughter and the voices that filled the room filled the hole in my heart.

“Jules” I heard Ally say, “This is Max, he wanted to meet you”

Even hearing that name was enough to put me to tears.


“Lapierre” she said, “he plays for Montreal”


“Can I talk to you for a second please?” she asked pulling me by the arm to the kitchen.

“What?” I sighed.

“Julie, it’s been two months, he’s gone okay? You need to get over it”

“I can’t” I snapped.

“Why not?”

“Because I’m in love with him!”

Everyone in the room turned around to look at me and all I did was glare at them. They turned their attention back to what they were doing and Ally just looked at me.

“I’m sorry” she said.

“Can you just get everyone to leave please?” I asked, “I just…can’t do this right now Ally”

“I’ll do my best” she replied.

As people filed out one by one, I found myself locking myself in my bedroom. I looked in the mirror and pulled out my elastic, letting my hair flow down past my shoulders. I ran my fingers through it and remembered how it felt when he used to run his fingers through it.

2 months ago

I laid my head on his lap and stared up at the ceiling. I felt his fingers brush a piece of hair away from my face and I turned my eyes towards his.

“You’re really leaving tomorrow aren’t you?”

He just sighed, “I am”

“What am I supposed to do when you’re gone?”

“Jules, you knew how this would end”

“I know, but --” he cut me off by leaning down and placing his lips on mine. My hands slowly moved up to his face and I kissed him back. I don’t think he even knows what he does to me when he does that.

“You’re going to leave after doing that?” I asked breathlessly.

“No” he said scooping me up in his arms, “after I do this”

He took me to his room and laid me down on the bed.

“But Max, I--”

“Shh” he said touching my cheek, “no more talking”

I didn’t argue, I just nodded my head in agreement.

My skin burned under his touch and my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. He pulled my top over my head and threw it to the side, and followed by doing the same with his. He was absolute perfection.

That night was absolute perfection, and I wish it hadn’t have ended.


I stared at myself in the mirror. I needed to get over him, as much as it hurt.

I looked through my drawers, finding anything I could to get him out of my head. Anything he gave me, had to go, it was time to forget about him. I stumbled onto a pair of scissors and I took another quick look in the mirror.

“Julie?” I heard a knock on my door, “you okay in there?”

“Fine” I said smirking at myself in the mirror.

He loved my long hair, and I needed to get rid of everything that reminded me of him, even if it meant cutting my hair. I took the scissors and grabbed a chunk of my hair and snipped. I watched the hair fall to the floor and I felt better already. I cut the rest off and swept my bangs to the side. Perfect.

It’s been two months, I think it’s time I end this.

Monday, May 31, 2010

where has all the time gone now, i'm left alone somehow -- one

I remember those simple things. I remember til I cry but the one thing I wish I'd forget, is goodbye.

Ever since he left, everything seems dark and grey. I don’t have the energy to do anything anymore, some days I don’t even eat, it’s unhealthy. My best friend has tried to get me to go somewhere, anywhere to leave the house, but there is nothing that will make me feel better, not if he’s not here.

It was a mutual decision. He had to go to Pittsburgh, play hockey, and I had to stay here. I have a life here, I couldn’t leave, not just to be with him. What would I do in Pittsburgh?

We knew by the end of the summer that nothing would come of us, because of his career. I tried not to, but I fell in love with him, and I didn’t tell him.

We agreed to not keep contact either, just for the sole fact of how difficult it will be not seeing each other. Neither of us were the long distance type. We couldn’t hold a relationship like that if we tried. Neither of us even knew the meaning of commitment. There was just no way.

2 Months ago

I heard the door open and I walked around the corner, seeing his face. He was leaving today, and this was the goodbye. The goodbye I dreaded.

“Hey” I mumbled crossing my arms over my chest.


“When does your plane leave?” I asked, trying to make some sort of conversation.

“In an hour” he replied.

I just slightly nodded and looked down at the floor. I heard his footsteps come closer and he was now standing only a few inches away. I took in his scent and closed my eyes, trying to keep my tears from falling.

“I’m sorry” he said.

“Don’t be sorry” I said looking up at him, “I don’t regret a single moment I spent with you”

“I know”

He wrapped his arms around me and I buried my face in his neck, “this is crazy, I don’t want you to go” I mumbled.

“And I don’t want to go” he replied pulling back, “but I have to”

He just looked at me and put his hand on my cheek and kissed my forehead. As I watched him head toward the door, I wanted to say it. I wanted to tell him how I felt.

“Max, I…” but my voice trailed off as he kept his eyes on me.

He just half smiled and spoke.

“I’m gonna miss you Julie May”

I watched him open the door and shut it behind him without a word. My heart felt like it was going to shatter and the tears poured out of me like a waterfall. I slid down the wall and sat on the floor, letting the tears flow. I heard the door open again and I jumped up in hopes it was him, but I only saw Ally, and my heart broke again.

“Jules…” she said as I fell back onto the floor.

I couldn’t say a word, I just found myself trying to breathe as the sobs came out of me. She sat down at my level and wrapped her arms around me. I heard her saying something about how it would be alright.

No it won’t be alright, not without him.