once upon a time i was falling in love, now i'm only falling apart ; four

I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ever

“Julie?” was the greeting I received as she opened the door.

“Hi”

“You look…different” she said cocking her head to the side.

“Haircut” I shrugged, “Something different”

“You’re still beautiful” she smiled leaning in for a hug.

“Thanks” I replied. I looked over her shoulder and saw him, or so I thought.

“Julie!” he was a spitting image of Max, or, what Max will look like.

“Hello” I said giving him a hug, “How are you?”

“Wonderful” he smiled, “we missed you since Max left”

I felt my stomach turn and I just walked into the living room. I nodded and sat down on their couch, looking around the room. I saw pictures of him, from his junior days, to last summer, there was even a picture of us.

“You miss him?” I looked over and swallowed a lump in my throat. Please don’t make me go there.

“I do” I nodded, “a lot”

“Why didn’t you go with him?”

“He never asked me to” I replied, “Plus, what would I do in Pittsburgh? My life is here…”

“Sometimes you need to learn to make a life somewhere else” she replied, “He so wanted you to go with him”

“What?”

I heard her phone ring and she put up her finger, “one moment” she said picking up the phone.

“Allô?…Maxime!”

My heart stopped at that very moment, he was there…he was on the other line. I watched as she kept speaking, and I heard her say my name. I held back my tears and cleared my throat.

I didn’t understand a word she was saying, but as she finished her conversation she held out the phone to me.

“He wants to talk to you”

I sat there frozen.

“Julie?”

I shook my head and reached out for the phone, “okay…”

I slowly put the phone up to my ear, “Hello?”

“Hey”

The sound of his voice was a relief, and it brought tears to my eyes.

“How are you?” I asked.

“I’m good…I miss you”

“I miss you too” my voice wanted to break, but I did all I could to hold myself together.

“Julie, I--”

“Max, I need to go, I can’t do this” I hung it up and felt myself about to break down. I looked across the room and locked eyes with her. You could tell she was heartbroken. His father just looked down to the ground and my eyes started to water.

“I should go” I said standing up and setting the phone on the coffee table, “It was really nice seeing you again”

I bolted out the door and as the cool Fall air hit my face I stopped and took a breath. What was he doing to me? How could I let him do this to me every time?

I made my way back home, wiping my tears away in the process. I walked into the apartment and Ally’s eyes widened.

“BLACK?”

I just nodded, “I told you”

“Julie…”

I just shut the door of my bedroom. It hurts all over again, it’s like he left again. Why is his non-presence so devastating to me. Why does it hurt so much when he’s gone?

“Julie?” I heard her knock on my door, “let me in”

I unlocked the door and she just stared at me as I collapsed on the bed.

“What?”

“I looked at the Penguins schedule” she said, “I think it’s time we take a trip”

“I said, I’m not going to Pittsburgh” I sighed.

“We’re not going to Pittsburgh, they’re in Montreal tomorrow night”

“Wha--what?” I said shaking my head in disbelief, “but…what?”

“What’s the big deal?”

“I talked to him today” I said, “He called when I was at his parents house…he wanted to talk to me”

“Oh…wow”

“I don’t know if I can face him” I replied.

“Jules, you’re going to this game. You don’t have to go and see him, just watch the game, you can see him from a distance. You need some type of closure, and I think just seeing him, happy, might help you to be happy again”

“Is it bad that I would rather see him as miserable as I am?”

“It sucks, but it’s normal” she shrugged.

“Fine, I guess we’re taking a mini road trip to Montreal” I said.

She just smiled, “You better pack. We’re leaving in the morning”

I know it’s only been two months since I saw him, or even spoken to him, but it feels like it’s been a year, and it’s going to be really surreal to see him in person, on the ice. I don’t know how I will react, I still don’t know what to think about the whole thing.

I just know, seeing him is going to make me miss him even more.